What Women Want?! 

As a Sex Therapist the most common complaint from women in my practice, or from men about their female partner, is a lack of sexual desire. Not surprisingly, it is found that around 30% of females report low levels of libido. When a couple presents together, I tend to call it ‘mismatched libido', which means a difference between two partners in their level of sexual desire. It should not automatically be assumed that the one with the low desire, in most cases the female, is the one with the problem though. These mismatched libidos within a long term relationship can become a huge issue, since SEX is a key part of a loving lasting bond. Although we all know that relationship problems can cause sex problems, it is important to realize sex problems can just as well cause relationship problems.

Men in a long term relationship often tell me that this discrepancy in sexual desire was not present in the beginning of their relationship. In the first few months or even years, their lover used to have this intense spontaneous sexual urge and they used to display this astounding passionate interest in them. Some men even express they feel ‘tricked into marriage' or into a committed relationship and as soon as the deal was sealed their partner's lust for sex disappeared and horny sexual encounters became a thing of the past.

However, as you were probably thinking, this vigorous lust we feel for a new partner sounds extremely familiar. This is because we all tend to experience a phenomenon called limerence. Limerence refers to a state in which, in the beginning of a relationship, the lover's attractive features are emphasized and unattractive characteristics are given little or no attention. It is even found that this transitory peaking in sexual passion and desire is due to temporarily increased levels of dopamine, noradrenaline and testosterone. So this soul-shaking love in the beginning of a relationship turns stale by familiarity and the perfect woman turns sexless, boring and just needy and annoying. But the good news guys; ‘your lady did not trick you into anything after all...Their hormone levels did!'

Men often ask me; "I just don't get what she wants now, she is clearly from Venus and I am obviously from Mars. Why can't we come from the same planet?" To which I always answer: "You don't need to come from the same planet or even need understand hers...You just need to learn your partner's language for love".

So what is your partner's ‘love language'? What are women with low sexual desire in long term relationships looking for? In my experience, most of them talk in a language of ‘Emotional Intimacy'. For most men Sexual Intimacy will lead to Emotional Intimacy, but for most women it is the other way around. For them Emotional Intimacy will lead to Sexual Intimacy. The key then is, for men to express their love language in the form of Emotional Intimacy, since this will turn her horniness back on and will make her long for breathtaking sexual pleasure.

The secret to bring this ‘Emotional Intimacy' back into your life is ‘FOREPLAY'. But not the kind of foreplay that starts in the bedroom 2 seconds before sex. NO! For a woman foreplay starts early morning in the kitchen during the dishes, hours before sex. It is about making her feel good, caring for her, helping her out with the chores of the day and most of all making her feel desired all of the time.

So all desperate men out there, listen up: "Make her breakfast in bed tomorrow morning, kiss her goodbye when you leave for work, send her a sexy text during the afternoon, tell her she looks gorgeous when you come home, help her doing the dishes after dinner, give her a foot massage on the couch and I promise you, sparks will be flying through the roof. "

So have fun and get the sexual pleasure back into your life and as I always say:

"Foreplay Away...ALL Bloody Day!!"